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see mee

We all just wanna be seen

At least we say we do.

I say I do.

*Prepare yourself for a hot take* - I think that’s why social media has spun out of control so badly since its inception. Humanity has a desperate desire to be seen and heard, and when we’re not, we scream louder, show more, hurl ourselves into the void in the hopes that someone, anyone, will acknowledge our existences.

We want to be KNOWN.

Except…maybe I don’t. At least not by other people.

I’ve noticed that I live in a cesspool of contradictions when it comes to the desire to be known.

In a past life, I spent every week in front of a crowd of thousands being ‘seen.’ And i did feel seen. But only partly, because what was seen was mostly a projection of what the viewer wanted to see. And also because I didn’t expose all of who I was, because viewers may have been turned off, because I may have been rejected, because the rest of me may have shattered the image they had created in their head, which in turn may have led to none of me being seen. So there were two options: 1) be partly seen, at least a little bit, and end up lonely for not being really known, or 2) be fully seen and rejected and end up…lonely.

At least those were the options in my head.

So I chose mystery. Here is just a part of me, and you and I both know that you are only getting a part of me, but there are other parts that aren’t yours, and we both acknowledge that, and you can build whatever story you want about the unknown part and I will neither confirm nor deny anything you create, and that’s exciting for both of us and leaves you intrigued and frustrated and me feeling cool and….lonely.

Good times.

Here’s the other thing: Do you think you or I, as individuals, can ever be fully known?

I’m not sure it’s possible. My wife and I were talking recently about this very thing. She and I know each other as deeply and intimately as is humanly possible. And what we are acknowledging and coming to terms with is the fact that, despite us knowing each other so well and continuing to delve into the terrifying depths of our humanity, we will NEVER fully know the other. Never. She and I contain multitudes that border the infinite.

YOU contain the infinite.

So are we doomed to never be fully seen and known? To say “fuck it, lemme get as many likes as possible on as many posts as possible cause at least it’s something?”

Honestly, I don’t know. Maybe it’s a bit like trying to know the universe. We know we’ll never fully know it in its infinite entirety, but we keep exploring to know it better and more fully while simultaneously acknowledging we’ll never really know it.

And maybe we just start with ourselves. Maybe someday I’ll know myself fully enough to be unaffected by the supposed knowing or unknowing of myself by others

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