Here’s how it goes:
Becoming a better, happier human being requires a hard look at yourself.
Then it requires some brutally honest assessments of what you see.
Only then can you change what you see.
And only then can you take a hard look at yourself.
And be brutally honest about what you see.
And only then can you, again, change what you see.
Only then can you really take a hard look at yourself…
I’m a hamster on a wheel sprinting as hard as I can and feeling proud about “how far I’m getting.”
Or another analogy: You ever looked at one of those circular vanity mirrors and thought you looked good, then spun it around and screamed cause the back side was magnified and you could see all the little pores and blackheads that the previous broader view didn’t reveal? Now, imagine every time you did something to improve whatever disgustingness was happening in the magnified mirror, you flipped it back around and the previously normal mirror is now somehow even more magnified…flip, close disgusting look, fix, flip, closer, fix, flip, even closer, fix…ad infinitum.
You ever seen an infinite fractal? That’s my brain.
I’m tired.
True therapy story: On the wall of my therapist’s office was a sign that read:
Be in the moment.
The moment is all there is.
I pointed at it and said, “That’s bullshit.”
She was taken aback: “Why do you say that?”
“Because my moment is really depressed. And that sign - and by extension, you - are telling me that this is all there is.”
Man, sometimes?..fuck the moment. I think maybe I’m too aware of the moment. And what I see is way too clear.
Or maybe not clear enough. Maybe my mirror is dirty. Or maybe I just haven’t zoomed in far enough yet. And despite it all...we keep going. We keep diving deeper into infinity, knowing that it'll never end, but maybe, just maybe, we see the next moment a little clearer. *flips mirror*